I have read a lot of business philosophy about firing clients...see references below:
Top 10 Ways to Fire a Client from Hell
How to Fire a Client
And those are just a few from thousands of articles documenting that if it gets to the point when working with someone is no longer creating a mutually beneficial situation it should be terminated.
I just want to say, I agree. I would, however, like to do it with the following notice of termination:
Dear Huge Pain in My Ass,
While I initially thought we could create a fantastic business relationship, I have realized this is not the case based on the following occurrences:
- You email me several times a day often contradicting your previous emails.
- You call me to chat about your non sensory emails and to further clarify your very simple emails.
- When you call you end up telling me personal stories about which you assume I care. I do care, but only theoretically.
- You often schedule meetings so we can chat about progress...progress that you've been suppressing.
- You avoid contact with me like I'm infected with the plaque when I need something from you, then call frantic about the timeline being kept when you finally have what I need.
- You are unappreciative and often rude and don't realize all the time and energy it takes to keep up with your 3 personalities.
For those reasons, you are fired.
Don't call. Don't email.
Adieu
The only problem with this genius letter is that people have feelings. Silly speed bump. Plus, in my business writing class we were taught to subtly add in the negative message sandwiched between nice or neutral messages. Seems dodgy, but
I may consider revising.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Hey you... at the gym... I'm judging you.
Even if I didn't like working out I might keep my membership for the judgery.
Last night whilst on the treadmill I organized awkward gym goers into classifications. I spared those who just genuinely go to quietly work out & better their health without somehow invading the space of others either visually or otherwise.
Knock it off if you're one of the following:
Chatty Cathy
Your name might not be Cathy and you may not even be a female, but you do need to get.off.the.phone! At the very minimum get off the phone while you are on the treadmill or any other cardio machine. Either resume walking at level 1.5 or continue walking and talking until you find a bridge.
Groany McMoanerson
I don't care if you're muscle man or if your arms are just weak, it's annoying either way. If you are unable to life something without belting out a moan like you're giving birth to a watermelon the you should either a) lift weights at home or b) duct tape both your nose and mouth shut. It's the polite thing to do.
The Creeper
You. are. twice. her. age. Stop staring. Did you know iPod was invented so that women could better avoid Creepers? Now you do. Girls don't squat for your benefit unless they're in a dirty mag. So, go home and get one of those and leave the public alone.
The Make-up Melter (or just Caker)
1) If you wear a lot of make-up to the gym and work out really hard it's going to melt down your face. I saw that tonight and it was disgusting.
2) If you cake on your make-up and then don't actually work out, but instead just walk around the gym looking confused then you're a tard.
The Youngins
Dear Teenagers-
I realize that you don't have many places to go and among them, the gym is one of the best options, but realize if you spend too much time in the gym (taking up the good machines during peak hours) you'll stunt your growth and have an awkward time in college. I'm just sayin'.
Pushy Face
Don't ask me if I'm almost done with this machine cause I'm not. I'll be done 1,000 hours from now simply because you won't get out of my space. Also, we can not trade sets. It's not like I'm taking a bubble bath in between. Relax.
The Non-Trainer Trainer
Stop disgracing the good trainers. Stop texting while you have a client, it's rude. I find it ludicrous how you act like you're better than the person you are training. You are supposed to be motivating and you deserve a punch in the face.
Last night whilst on the treadmill I organized awkward gym goers into classifications. I spared those who just genuinely go to quietly work out & better their health without somehow invading the space of others either visually or otherwise.
Knock it off if you're one of the following:
Chatty Cathy
Your name might not be Cathy and you may not even be a female, but you do need to get.off.the.phone! At the very minimum get off the phone while you are on the treadmill or any other cardio machine. Either resume walking at level 1.5 or continue walking and talking until you find a bridge.
Groany McMoanerson
I don't care if you're muscle man or if your arms are just weak, it's annoying either way. If you are unable to life something without belting out a moan like you're giving birth to a watermelon the you should either a) lift weights at home or b) duct tape both your nose and mouth shut. It's the polite thing to do.
The Creeper
You. are. twice. her. age. Stop staring. Did you know iPod was invented so that women could better avoid Creepers? Now you do. Girls don't squat for your benefit unless they're in a dirty mag. So, go home and get one of those and leave the public alone.
The Make-up Melter (or just Caker)
1) If you wear a lot of make-up to the gym and work out really hard it's going to melt down your face. I saw that tonight and it was disgusting.
2) If you cake on your make-up and then don't actually work out, but instead just walk around the gym looking confused then you're a tard.
The Youngins
Dear Teenagers-
I realize that you don't have many places to go and among them, the gym is one of the best options, but realize if you spend too much time in the gym (taking up the good machines during peak hours) you'll stunt your growth and have an awkward time in college. I'm just sayin'.
Pushy Face
Don't ask me if I'm almost done with this machine cause I'm not. I'll be done 1,000 hours from now simply because you won't get out of my space. Also, we can not trade sets. It's not like I'm taking a bubble bath in between. Relax.
The Non-Trainer Trainer
Stop disgracing the good trainers. Stop texting while you have a client, it's rude. I find it ludicrous how you act like you're better than the person you are training. You are supposed to be motivating and you deserve a punch in the face.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
...and i've only been here for 35 minutes
Guest Blog!
By: Jen Parlin
An elderly, fake-crippled, gentleman (well, lets be honest...an old, drunk man) comes up to the desk and shouts "HEY, I NEED TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER." He must have notice the lack of hearing aids on my person, wait, I don't need a hearing aid, I don't happen to be deaf in the slightest. So I retrieve a Manager and she comes to speak with him, this is when I realize he is a fake crippled person. After telling her that a pigeon shat on him out on the bar patio and therefore he needed a place to shower and wash his clothes (or rather a place for US to wash his clothes) she denied his request. To make more of a point his got out of the wheelchair to rant some more.
And then proceed to have a little person follow him out, while he pushed the wheelchair, to take pictures of our transgression. (I hired the pigeon) Please note, he was PUSHING the wheelchair. I'm offended on behalf of all handicapped people. Then the small man came and asked me for a job application, because really, who better to work the front desk?
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Hilar! Also, this brings me to a very valuable point; often times in the workplace we are caught off guard. There are many oddities (if it's not a word it is now) that occur in the workplace and I would love to hear some of yours too. Feel free to comment with the most absurd thing you've seen in the workplace.
By: Jen Parlin
An elderly, fake-crippled, gentleman (well, lets be honest...an old, drunk man) comes up to the desk and shouts "HEY, I NEED TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER." He must have notice the lack of hearing aids on my person, wait, I don't need a hearing aid, I don't happen to be deaf in the slightest. So I retrieve a Manager and she comes to speak with him, this is when I realize he is a fake crippled person. After telling her that a pigeon shat on him out on the bar patio and therefore he needed a place to shower and wash his clothes (or rather a place for US to wash his clothes) she denied his request. To make more of a point his got out of the wheelchair to rant some more.
And then proceed to have a little person follow him out, while he pushed the wheelchair, to take pictures of our transgression. (I hired the pigeon) Please note, he was PUSHING the wheelchair. I'm offended on behalf of all handicapped people. Then the small man came and asked me for a job application, because really, who better to work the front desk?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hilar! Also, this brings me to a very valuable point; often times in the workplace we are caught off guard. There are many oddities (if it's not a word it is now) that occur in the workplace and I would love to hear some of yours too. Feel free to comment with the most absurd thing you've seen in the workplace.
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