The day my computer got Herpes.

A sad day. We tried giving it this:








But it didn't work.

Call me naive, but until I actual saw the aftermath of a computer virus I didn't really fully grasp the impact. Unfortunately, I can now put it into perspective for others.

One click.
Completely trashed computer.
2 hours of trouble shooting.
6 hours in reinstalling.
1 full day of work for two people.
100+ personal email folders gone.
A watery eye or two.
Huge Embarrassment.
Giant leap backwards in productivity.
Hours of adjusting settings and trying to acquire emails.

So while my normal Shenamer blog consists of sarcasm, undeniable wit, and beautifully architected sentences (too far?) this one has a moral: think before you click. Back up your stuff, even if it's a pain. Because you won't feel like you need to until you wish you had.

You. Are. Fired.

I have read a lot of business philosophy about firing clients...see references below:
Top 10 Ways to Fire a Client from Hell
How to Fire a Client
And those are just a few from thousands of articles documenting that if it gets to the point when working with someone is no longer creating a mutually beneficial situation it should be terminated.

I just want to say, I agree. I would, however, like to do it with the following notice of termination:

Dear Huge Pain in My Ass,
While I initially thought we could create a fantastic business relationship, I have realized this is not the case based on the following occurrences:

- You email me several times a day often contradicting your previous emails.
- You call me to chat about your non sensory emails and to further clarify your very simple emails.
- When you call you end up telling me personal stories about which you assume I care. I do care, but only theoretically.
- You often schedule meetings so we can chat about progress...progress that you've been suppressing.
- You avoid contact with me like I'm infected with the plaque when I need something from you, then call frantic about the timeline being kept when you finally have what I need.
- You are unappreciative and often rude and don't realize all the time and energy it takes to keep up with your 3 personalities.

For those reasons, you are fired.
Don't call. Don't email.
Adieu

The only problem with this genius letter is that people have feelings. Silly speed bump. Plus, in my business writing class we were taught to subtly add in the negative message sandwiched between nice or neutral messages. Seems dodgy, but
I may consider revising.

Hey you... at the gym... I'm judging you.

Even if I didn't like working out I might keep my membership for the judgery.

Last night whilst on the treadmill I organized awkward gym goers into classifications. I spared those who just genuinely go to quietly work out & better their health without somehow invading the space of others either visually or otherwise.

Knock it off if you're one of the following:

Chatty Cathy
Your name might not be Cathy and you may not even be a female, but you do need to get.off.the.phone! At the very minimum get off the phone while you are on the treadmill or any other cardio machine. Either resume walking at level 1.5 or continue walking and talking until you find a bridge.

Groany McMoanerson
I don't care if you're muscle man or if your arms are just weak, it's annoying either way. If you are unable to life something without belting out a moan like you're giving birth to a watermelon the you should either a) lift weights at home or b) duct tape both your nose and mouth shut. It's the polite thing to do.

The Creeper
You. are. twice. her. age. Stop staring. Did you know iPod was invented so that women could better avoid Creepers? Now you do. Girls don't squat for your benefit unless they're in a dirty mag. So, go home and get one of those and leave the public alone.

The Make-up Melter (or just Caker)
1) If you wear a lot of make-up to the gym and work out really hard it's going to melt down your face. I saw that tonight and it was disgusting.
2) If you cake on your make-up and then don't actually work out, but instead just walk around the gym looking confused then you're a tard.

The Youngins
Dear Teenagers-
I realize that you don't have many places to go and among them, the gym is one of the best options, but realize if you spend too much time in the gym (taking up the good machines during peak hours) you'll stunt your growth and have an awkward time in college. I'm just sayin'.

Pushy Face
Don't ask me if I'm almost done with this machine cause I'm not. I'll be done 1,000 hours from now simply because you won't get out of my space. Also, we can not trade sets. It's not like I'm taking a bubble bath in between. Relax.

The Non-Trainer Trainer
Stop disgracing the good trainers. Stop texting while you have a client, it's rude. I find it ludicrous how you act like you're better than the person you are training. You are supposed to be motivating and you deserve a punch in the face.

...and i've only been here for 35 minutes

Guest Blog!
By: Jen Parlin

An elderly, fake-crippled, gentleman (well, lets be honest...an old, drunk man) comes up to the desk and shouts "HEY, I NEED TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER." He must have notice the lack of hearing aids on my person, wait, I don't need a hearing aid, I don't happen to be deaf in the slightest. So I retrieve a Manager and she comes to speak with him, this is when I realize he is a fake crippled person. After telling her that a pigeon shat on him out on the bar patio and therefore he needed a place to shower and wash his clothes (or rather a place for US to wash his clothes) she denied his request. To make more of a point his got out of the wheelchair to rant some more.

And then proceed to have a little person follow him out, while he pushed the wheelchair, to take pictures of our transgression. (I hired the pigeon) Please note, he was PUSHING the wheelchair. I'm offended on behalf of all handicapped people. Then the small man came and asked me for a job application, because really, who better to work the front desk?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hilar! Also, this brings me to a very valuable point; often times in the workplace we are caught off guard. There are many oddities (if it's not a word it is now) that occur in the workplace and I would love to hear some of yours too. Feel free to comment with the most absurd thing you've seen in the workplace.

Club Corolla!

We may or may not have riden to San Diego in Club Carolla.

We've all done it. You look up songs, download your jams, burn the cd.

Summer 2009 mix, ready-set-go. All of a sudden you're listeing to rave-club-party 2035. I mean, I'm down, just a shocker when the versions aren't what you expected.

A new song started on this particular mix and we both would just stare at the cd player as if a little gremlin was going to jump out and say "just kidding".

Some people take lemons and make lemonade, we take unexpexted DJ Dance Mixes and make Club Carolla.

San Diego Here I Come

Going back to the homeland this weekend.

You may ask, Mariah why do you refer to San Diego as your homeland?
Great question. No reason. Cause I wish it was my home?

There is something about venturing to San Diego that makes me so happy. I get excited like 37 days in advance. Then, when it actually gets down to the minutes or hours I can hardly stand it.

Mostly it's the beach and the people and the food and the fun and the better weather and Moondoggies $2 you-call-its, and the Shore Club Fish Races, and the outdoor markets and sometimes the clubs downtown and the slow motion roller blader and the people watching and the Gay Pride Parade and the beach and the beach and and and. Mostly. If I were to narrow it down.

So, in short, I can't wait. San Diegan adventures here I come.

Shenamerosity

Shenamerosity in observations as of late:

Philadelphia aka Philly has signs everywhere that say Phila.
Review: Phila is neither philadelphia nor Philly. I'm left confused and feeling mislead.

Red Bull Energy shots are delicious. I'm definitely a Red Bull snob so I held out on these energy shots until Red Bull came out with them. Get out of my face 5 hour energy. I'm not pickin' up what you're throwing down.

Movies in 3D are better. Saw Ice Age 3 in 3D last night. Recommended thoroughly.

Transformers rocks my socks. Except that corny love gar-bahggio. Listen, I went to that movie to see ridiculous amounts of action, explosions, and Shia Le-drunkdriver run for his life. In the future, please don't corrupt this with mush. Kindly, Mariah

I hate cockroaches.

ummm what? Boswjeflwehston

then to cheers...






On this day... we drank the city. Good night.

Boston Day 3

We like boston.

Boston Day 2

Not to brag, but we're practically Harvard graduates.

Baaaaaaaaaaston May 20

Reporting on the trip. Mostly just hilarity, shenanigans, and utter nonsense.

Day one:
-------------
5:30am Left Tucson, head to phx
7:10am Entered Phoenix (what do you mean by this is boring?...shhhh)
11:30am Arrived at phoenix airport.
Now I don't expect all of you to be whizzes at math, now do I expect you to thoroughly understand the expanse of phoenix. Let me break it down for you: it does not take over 4 hours to get from the edge of phoenix to the airport even on the rushiest of rush hour mornings. Apparently it DOES take over 4 hours when some jerk running from the police in his black SUV decides to drive the wrong way down the freeway and cause a horrible accident.
--------
Dear Hooligans,
Please drive into a brick wall instead of the wrong way down the freeway. It will have a similar impact and won't be so intrusive or harmful to others.
Kindly,
Mariah
-------- I digress
12:00pm Margaritas
1:45pm New flight took off - since we had missed our first one by over 2 hours
10:50pm Arrived in Boston
11:15pm Got in to the smelliest cab on the face of the Earth
11:40pm Ordered the crappiest, most expensive food we will ever eat in our entire lives.
12:10pm A piece of Sarena's filling came out
Last straw. Bed.

UA is superior to ASU

It's a fact. Here are just a few reasons why:

1) Students & faculty at ASU often display questionable behavior:
Exhibit A: http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=227327&title=arizona-state-snubs-obama

all while University of Arizona researchers are finding cures for life threatening disease:
http://health.usnews.com/articles/health/healthday/2009/05/13/scorpion-anti-venom-speeds-childrens--recovery.html

2) Students at ASU make videos no one wants to watch
Exibit B:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNQzrifEkGc
I'm embarrassed. I hope they are still in that desert. 5 minutes of my life I will never get back.

University of Arizona makes inspiring videos that people want to watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlfnRsr6hU4

3) Arizona state University is ranked lower than University of Arizona in every legitimate ranking poll known to man.

4) Playboy says it all: http://www.playboyu.com/playboy-party-schools. Not only is UA ranked higher academically, but we're ranked higher as a party school. Wow two for two. Ouch ASU.

5) I went to University of Arizona.


There. Proven. Dispute settled.

I'm practically an auto mechanic

I have a pie chart that proves it.

I spent a lot of effort trying to switch out my headlight which is burnt out.

1) I went to Auto Zone, grew impatient with the wait to receive computational product look up assistance, and left.
2) I went to a second auto zone, was assisted in finding the correct product, and - after a long wait and sun beaming into my retina - purchased the merch.
3) I came home, parked my car, popped the hood.
4) I manually lifted the hood to the sky to assess the situation.
5) I peered into the left headlight socket region.
6) I gently pulled on a piece of a dirty under-car contraption that did not move.
7) I reached far left with my left arm and upwards with my right arm and manually closed the hood.

No, my light was not magically changed in the above course of steps, but progress was made. Conclusions were developed. My right index finger and thumb had car remnants.

It's pretty official. I am a mechanic.

If your car alarm goes off ONE more time...

...I'm setting your car on fire.

Not in a violent way, but seriously, I am going to. There is a car in my neighborhood, parked outside my bedroom window, that will be ablaze by the end of the weekend. I understand that sometimes the car alarm goes off when it shouldn't. It's annoying, but dealable. This weekend. Has gone. Too far.

Yesterday:
7a.m. awakened by said car alarm
8:12 a.m. irritated again by said alarm
9:43 a.m. alarm. again. sketched a car on fire to reduce stress from car alarm.
2:45 p.m. getting ready to go to a wedding. Car alarm.

Today:
8:15 a.m. awakened again by car alarm
9:30 a.m. car alarm sounds. I say aloud in bed "are you f***ing kidding me?"
1:12 p.m. Car alarm. Blogging about car alarm.

As you can see:
1) this car alarm is not effective. There is no way someone has attempted a break in of the car next door 7 times this weekend alone.
2) the car alarm owner is running out of time before their car is set on fire. I don't know if this is a sick joke, but I hope you, neighbor, have fire insurance.

In closing, car alarms are stupid.

Gramatically Incorrect!!!

When people horribly misspell words or use improper English I don't know whether to be painfully irritated or woefully distressed by the lack of education. On one hand it's sad, really sad, but on the other... I mean come on. I never knew how important grammar was until I observed grown-ups slaughtering it. There are mistakes and then there is the sentence below:

WE NEED THIS ON ARE WEBSITE FRONT PAGE CALL JOE FOR ME 255-5653 IT ARE NEW WEB-SITE BASE SOFEWARE FOR ARE BUSNESS.

I know some of you are thinking, " that sentence is ridiculous, there is no way that was written by a real live person." If you and I were face-to-face I would stare at you blankly and say, "yes, yes it was." Sad, but true. This sentence was copied from an email I received at work. I changed the names and number, but the rest was left untouched.

As I'm reading through the above grammatically challenged email I have the following observations:
1) there are no attempts at punctuation other than the period at the end
2) ARE does not equal OUR
3) IT does not equal ITS
4) again, ARE does not equal OUR
5) I think he meant to say web-based and not WEB-SITE BASE
6) SOFEWARE is not the same thing as SOFTWARE and is actually not even a real word
7) ARE still does not equal OUR
8) BUSNESS sounds like... whatever... it's business, not busness
9) ALL CAPS indicates yelling in the world of e-communication. So simmer down.
10) this guy owns a business?

I am concernicus! We all make mistakes, but mistakes these were not.

What does your city's airport say about you?

Thought I'd compile some general impressions about places based solely on their airports. I narrowed it to a few that stood out in my mind, but I encourage you to expand the list. Leave a comment, add on to an airport listed below, or differ from my opinions.


Tucson Airport
We're simple yet efficient and we think international travel means going to Mexico.









Dallas Airport (Things seriously are bigger in Texas)
"Go big or ... don't land in our f***ing airport."





Las Vegas Airport (vivaaaaaaaaaa las vegas)

The fun starts here and it ends here. Also, we have a gambling addiction






Atlanta Airport
We may seem ghetto, but we're really fabulous.
(C'mon, you saw The Real Housewives of Atlanta)







San Jose, Costa Rica Airport
Realmente tenemos gusto de los taxis. Seriously.










JFK- New York Airport
Sink or swim we don't care, we've got much more important things to worry about.


I know you've got at least one airport experience that makes you want to add to this list... don't be shy...

Twi-nanigans

Sometimes things are just twi-nanigans! You may be asking yourself, 'what the heck does that even mean?' You are right in doing so, but you are naive in that you are not hip to the new fad of adding twi to the beginning of everything. It is all the rage. Twitter does it and so can I.

Everytime I log into Twitter... yes, I'm on Twitter,judge me... I am informed of a new word. Today's, for example, was Twi·stor·i - n. an ongoing and hypnotic social experiment.. Interesting, but still, not a word. Twi-nanigans I say.

In fact, even though I've been sucked down the Twitter drain I still find the entire concept odd. I think this video pretty much sums it up and I think you will find it hilarious. So click on this link : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN2HAroA12w

"It seems like Twittering is just randomly bragging about your unexceptional life." BUT you also get definitions of fake words and can follow people without being a complete creep. Why didn't someone think of this sooner?

Sources sited: http://twitter.com/LigerBurns

The gymatorium Part Deux

I think, when constructing my gym, they grossly overestimated the midget population.

Serious question: Why are the drinking fountains at L.A. Fitness so short?
Don't say, "because people use them to fill their water bottles and their arms are too tired from lifting weights to slightly reach upward". That is not good enough.

It is sad and it is discriminatory, but the most logical conclusion is that they grossly overestimated the athletic, gym-going, midget population. I apologize on behalf of L.A. Fitness.

The Gymatorium Part I

DisclaiMER: I never once said I was nice and should you have ever assumed that then I'm sorry that I'm not sorry. Whew, glad I got that off my chest.

So, I went to the gym tonight. Planning on getting back in the swing of things. Let me set the scene. I was at L.A. Fitness. For those of you who may not be familiar with this gym or gyms in general it was more ridiculous than teen night at Cactus Moon or if you're from out of town *insert random dance club that allows teens on special nights*. Anyway, so I jammed my headphones into my ears to ensure that I could judge those around me with a soundtrack. Things were going great.

I see some typical macho guys...grunting of course, which, by the way, knock that shit off. Wear a muzzle. I don't care. Whatever you need to do, sir, to mute yourself. But this is pretty standard of the gym. Nothing new that I'm reporting. Another pretty standard gym observation is that at 7:30p.m. on a weekday literally EVERY machine is taken. I had to shove a baby out of my way to race a dude to a machine. Still, nothing out of the ordinary.

So, I'm on the bike... kicking ass and taking names (I might add)... and something wafts into the air. I know what you're thinking, someone blew ass? Nay. Something delightful is in the air. It is distinct. I am completely certain I smelled kettle corn. I chuckled to myself. Then I was kind of annoyed, how dare this person bring the delightful smell of roasted kettlish corn into the gym. Kind of inconsiderate if you ask me. So laughter, anger, then I'm in ponder mode. How does one smell like kettle corn? I came up with two ways:
1) they are sweating it through their pores.
Okay the street fair is in town. They sell you those ginormous bags. Someone clearly has downed 17 lbs of kettle corn and is now spilling it out through their pores. One, I'm glad you got to the gym chubbo, two, thanks for not smelling like something horrible, three, still kind of chapped that I am now fantasizing about scrumptious treats.
-or-
2) someone was wearing kettle corn flavored-smelling perfume
This option is just rude. I mean you might as well rub your body in a steak dinner and then hang out with all the chubsters trying to get healthy. Very inconsiderate. Also, kettle corn...really... that's your perfume of choice. I mean, it smells nice, but how about starbursts, french fries, or CHIPOTLE! Now that is delicious. I'm just sayin.

I get pulled over like it is MY JOB!

Is it just me? Am I being profiled for being a 24 year old female that drives a Volvo? I thought thugs, teenagers, and race car drivers were profiled.... well world this is not the case. I'm going to wallow in a pity party and drag you through it too.

So, you know those people who take traffic school EVERY 2 years like clockwork. It's like as soon as they get the opportunity they're in a frenzy to sign up. I'm that girl! But luckily it seems that I am pulled over almost habitually every two years, so I just take my traffic school, learn about the gore area, and call it a day. Well this has not been the case as of late.

Approximately two weeks ago I was pulled over and then AGAIN last night! Are you kidding me? So here's the scoop. About two weeks ago and 2 days someone informed me that I had a taillight out. Thank you Brent. I planned to tend to this emergency situation with the most rapid attention, however was unable to do so before TWO days later I am pulled over. I was on the way to go see The Watchmen and was now going to need to speed promptly following my pull-over to make it on time. Ironic, I know. Anyway the office lets me know that I, in fact, have a taillight out. Well, what do you know. Thank you kind officer for wasting paper on a fix it ticket. Good day.

So, a fix it ticket, no big deal, annoying at most.

Then last night I was pulled over AGAIN. So, luckily I had my fix-it ticket in my purse. I was all prepared to say, "yes officer I am aware that I need to fix my taillight and I fully intend to do so by the date in my previous ticket" and then bid him ado. But, noooooo Officer says he pulls me over for my speed to which I say, "Nay". Actually, I said, "I'm fairly certain I was moving with or below the flow of traffic". Apparently I was going 60mph. Whatever. Potato, po-tah-tow. Leave me alone and stop shining your lights in my eyes. Profiler.

Anyway, dude writes me a warning ticket. My first ever. Pretty big deal. Thanks for caring.

You know you're geriatric when...

I was recently inspired to write this when I began lying about my age. . .to be younger. I mean, it may have been to get a discount on my lift ticket for snowboarding, but lied to be younger nonetheless.

The term geriatric may be a stretch here, but I thought it would be comical to compose a cynical dissection of indicators that you may be geriatric, old, past your prime, or simply not a crazy party animal anymore. I asked friends of mine to contribute to the hilarity...and comtribute they did.

You know you're geriatric when:
~ You sleep in a sweater that reaches your knees. -KT
~ You're sore the next day from bowling. -KT
~ You're still hungover on Wednesday from drinking on Saturday. KT
~ You start counting how much fiber you've consumed per day. -KT
~ Everyone behind you honks and passes you on the highway. -KT
~ You Enjoy grocery shopping on a Saturday night. -KT
~ You refer to young people as "today's youth".
~ You're appalled when asked to leave the house past 9p.m. on a weeknight.
. . . you're equally offended by the invite to be out past 10p.m. on a weekend.
~ You say things like "I miss college" while you look through your facebook photos that you've set to private for fear that your employer might get ahold of them.
. . . Even worse, you don't miss college.
~ You get the Calcium boost at Jamba Juice because the impending doom of osteoperosis seems so close.
~ You can no longer understand rap lyrics
~ You go to the eye doctor far more frequestly than you go to the bar. -KM
~ You curl up to watch your dvr'd American Idol which you had to tape so you could go to your book club. -SB
~ 8:30PM feels like 2AM. -JB & -LM
~ You refer to technology as hard.

Feel free to contribute via comment. I will give a PRIZE to the person who makes me laugh the hardest.

Pop Kulture

Why did I spell it with a K you ask.... no reason. Really, no reason at all. I actually thought that to myself after I typed it. 'Mariah, why are you deliberately misspelling that word?' I had no justification, but I decided to keep the misspelling and then rant about it. In fact, I could go on a whole tirade about strange misspellings, today's youth, MTV and rap music, but I shall remain focused. You're welcome.

The point of this blog was originally going to be a thoughtful critique of the move the Watchmen. I started thinking about writing this blog moments after the film ended, about how I was going to digress on a detailed report for the peeps. Sorry to disappoint, but as time has elapsed I've simply decided to leave you with this: I liked it, blue wiener and all. I mean, do I think it should win awards....eh maybe for cinematography, but overall good flick. I think the nudity was overdone and sometimes mostly not necessary, but feel free to dispute that. It was long, but I came prepared with a hot dog, sour patch kids, etc so I was not concerned.

XO...Stay tuned for a blog about this past weekend

Rewind, Recap, and FOCUS!

So....maybe I'm not the most consistent writer and maybe I have a lot of catching up to do, but to be perfectly honest I don't get enough response from my blogs to stimulate and encourage my everlasting need for attention. That's right, I said it. I need attention. At least I admit it. At least I don't seek it out on some whorish girls gone wild video.

So, in short, if you'd like me to post blogs more frequenly as some nagging has suggested, then comment, provide your opinion (unless it is worthless) and fuel my need for attention.

Ok so lets recap the dos and donts of the past few months:

~DON'T accidentally send your blog link to your clients. Especially the blog written about hating Mondays which directly relates to clients.
~DO elect a president. Good job America. Finally making smart decisions. Impressive. It's been a shotty run the past few elections.
~DO visit Costa Rica. The place is pretty badass, the weather is crazy, the food and drinks are delicious, the people are pretty awesome, and the beaches are fantastic.
~DONT watch weiners during the superbowl.
~DONT pay money to see "He's Just Not That Into You". Why, you ask, because it is not good.
~DO go snowboarding. Vail was awesome, thank you for asking.
~DO go to Wildcat Basketball Games
~DONT clap for Horne at UA basketball games

Enjoy some vacay photos: